Earlier today I posted a photo to Instagram.
The first part of the photo read ” Love. We all want it, but we are all so hesitant to let ourselves feel it. Why are we so afraid?”
The second part of the photo read “It’s like once you’ve been hurt, you’re so scared to get attached again. Like you have this fear that every person you start to like is going to break your heart”
They were two separate pictures I downloaded at different times. I was going through my gallery and it seemed like one was the answer to the other. Of course that meant to examine my own fears about love lol.
I can relate. I’ve been hurt. More than once. No one wants to get hurt. I think everyone can agree that being hurt is not a good feeling. I think the last time I was hurt may be the worst for me. The straw that broke the camels back. I’m just going to sum it up and say I loved someone who did not love me. That right there was painful. When it was all said and done, I had almost given up on love. I didn’t want to experience that again. I thought “maybe I’m meant to be single”.
I woke up one day and realized that was bullshit! There is somebody out there for everybody. When I stopped feeling sorry for myself and got my shit together, I noticed there were men everywhere. It’s almost like they were jumping out of the bushes every time I turned around. And then, there was that one. He didn’t actually catch my eye, more like he caught my mind. Whoa!
Of course part of the attraction is physical, but for me, 80% of that attraction is mental. I love the way he thinks. I love how smart he is. His creativity, personality, sense of humor…all of that good shit lol.
I’ve said all this (which really wasn’t much lol) to say that once I let go and opened up a little bit, it allowed that one person in. That one person who will make you realize, there is sunshine after the rain. You just have to get up and go outside to see it.
It doesn’t matter how many times you explain things. People hear what they want to hear, if they’re listening at all.
This is frustrating. Especially when said person makes you feel like shit, makes you feel like an asshole. This is how I feel right now. I feel like shit.
I am so scarred and damaged from my RECENT past that I may have hurt someone I really enjoyed. Someone that I like. It’s tough. It’s hard for me to let someone in when the last person took my heart and broke it into millions of tiny little pieces. Hurting someone is something that I never wanted to do. I would never want anyone to feel the hurt and pain that I’ve felt and still feel sometimes.
I just wish people really understood where I am right now. All I can do is leave it in HIS hands.
That is all
Without even realizing the next day would be his birthday, last night I posted a quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.
This quote gives me life! I say this because in the past year, I have been tested many times. In each situation, I chose not to hate the person then and I don’t hate them now. I have no ill feelings toward them. I am now a firm believer of ‘People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.’ With each experience I can determine what that person’s purpose is/was in my life. It’s so much easier that way. LOL!
As far as the quote, hate is too great a burden to bear. Sometimes you have to stop and ask yourself, is this really worth it? I’ve noticed since I have learned to let go of hate, life is way less stressful. You should try it. You will become a better you!
He’s no longer here, but everyday he still makes a difference in someone’s life! Happy Birthday Dr. King!
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Before I pulled out my laptop, I thought long and hard about what I would write. Suddenly it hit me. It’s 2013, reflecting on 2012 seems appropriate.
I spent the last 5 years (almost 6) of my life being in love with a man who was not in love with me. I spent the last 5 years of my life never being happy in that aspect of life because he did not love me. I don’t know what got me over and through it but I think I just woke up one day. I thought about everything he and I had been through. I noticed that in our time together, I did everthing. I was the caterer. I always came to him, he didn’t have to come to me. There were nights that I would put my kid to sleep and go spend the night with him because I had a live-in babysitter. I thought that was okay because I always made it home before my kid woke up. SMH what the hell was I thinking? Now that I look back, that is the dumbest shit ever!
I started noticing that he wasn’t contacting me. If we had any contact, I was the one contacting him first. He rarely contacted me first. There were times where we would go days without speaking. There were times that I would contact him and he wouldn’t respond until the next day or late that night. One day I just said “fuck this shit!”. I stopped contacting him. I didn’t always respond to him, if I did, it was late that night or the next day. I began doing to him what he had been doing to me. That became draining. In October, I decided that I would not contact him at all. The last time we spoke, which was via text, was October 6, 2012. The next time I heard from him was December 3, 2012. It was my birthday. He sent a text… “happy birthday”. That was it. I have not heard from him since.
In every way possible, it’s over for me. I’ve moved on. I don’t entirely hate him for everything that happened. People only do what you allow them to, and I allowed him to treat me in a disgusting way. I’m thankful for him being a season in my life because he forced me to look at myself. I now know what I don’t want and what I do want. No looking back, only forward. I’m happy again! It doesn’t get any better than that!
After being on unemployment for the full 100 weeks (lol) I had to start my job search. If you’ve ever been in need of a job, you know how depressing it can be when you can’t find one. Finally, after 2 months of searching, I decided to go to a temp agency that I worked for in the past. Luckily they had something that was starting that next month. I began my job for the temp agency on August 1, 2012. I was not happy with the job as I hate telephone jobs. I kept searching. Mid August, I was contacted for an interview. I was offered the job, I accepted and began work on September 7, 2012. It was another telephone job. I hated that too! November 2012, I get a letter in the mail for an interview for a job that I took a test for almost a year before. I interviewed for that job in December 2012. I began working at that job February 27, 2012. I actually love my job now. I work for the local welfare/social service agency in my area. I’m happy. I have health insurance, vacation and sick time, pension benefits, a union and most importantly, I have peace of mind! No real complaints here!
What can I say, we get better every day! Most of them haven’t changed. So I keep it moving. I have established great relationships with my mom and brother and that’s the most important to me. Everyone has to get in where they can fit in!
I received an unexpected message from an old friend. She was actually my best friend. We’ve had tons of ups and downs. I’ve even posted about her on here before. So some of you may be familiar with the story. She basically said she missed me and she did some growing up and left her number for me to contact her if I wanted to. I thought about it and I did contact her. We are going to mend our friendship but it will take time. So right now I’m handling her with a long handled spoon adn we have only talked on the phone once, mainly through text. Maybe one day we will actually hang out.
I went to the doctor in July and he basically said “Bitch, you’re fat!” I joined the gym. I went for a month straight, and then got into a car accident. My back is really jacked up from the accident. I haven’t been to the gym since the accident. I miss the gym. I’m starting back this weekend. I need to continue this journey. I’ve already lost a total of 29 pounds since September. I would like to lose another 20. Pain is pleasure!
That’s all I have for now. I missed writing. It’s my release. My therapy. I will be here every week, at least once a week. Hope you will be here with me.
If you’ve been following my blog or any of my social networking sites, then you know the story about my son and his father and his father’s family.
I developed a relationship with my son’s cousins mother (she has a baby by his dad’s brother). Jazz is a few years younger than me but we grew up in the same neighborhood. She was the only one from that side of Tyler’s dad’s family that seemed to care about anything concerning Tyler. She was one of th guests at Tyler’s birthday party in March. As you all know, Tyler is graduating pre-k this month and I invited to Jazz to come out to eat with us after the graduation.
Back in February, I got in contact with Tyler’s dad via phone and he told me “I can’t be there for Tyler or really talk to him like that because T be acting all crazy”. T is his ex-girlfriend/mother of his youngest son, who is 6 months younger than Tyler. After that, he cut his phone off and I no longer had contact with him. I spoke with Jazz about it and expressed my feelings to her. Since I couldn’t get in contact with him, I asked Jazz to tell him “fuck you and you never have to worry about me contacting you again. And don’t be concerned with anything Tyler is doing since you can’t be there or talk to him because of T”. Of course Jazz delivers the message and that’s when he called to try to curse me out. To get the full details on that, read What Just Happened?. Jazz then told me that he told T about it and T relayed to Jazz that she would confront me about it. This all happened in February.
Yesterday my niece had a softball game (she plays on an all-stars team) and of course Tyler and I were in attendance. T’s niece plays on the same team and she was in attendance also. She approached me and asked if she could talk to me for a minute. I said yes and we walked away from the field so we could talk. The first thing out of her mouth is “Jazz told me that you didn’t invite Deshaun (Tyler’s little brother) to Tyler’s birthday party because you don’t like me and you didn’t want us there. She also said that you’re telling people that I’m the reason Rasheen (Tyler’s father) doesn’t take care of Tyler and that you had been talking shit about me.” She then expressed that she isn’t the reason and she had nothing to do with that, and she also told me that her and I are in the same boat as far as him taking care of his children. He’s not there for Deshaun just like he isn’t there for Tyler. Just like Tyler doesn’t see that side of the family, neither does Deshaun.
I’m PISSED! I NEVER blamed T for Rasheen not being there for Tyler. That is completely Rasheen’s fault. He is the one who chose not to be there for him. Even if T was in his ear saying not to be there for Tyler, it would STILL be Rasheen’s fault because people make their own decisions no matter what anyone else has to say. I’m not the kind of woman who would blame her. I’m better than that and not once did I ever talk shit about T to Jazz, nor did I not invite Deshaun to Tyler’s party. It was important Tyler that his brother and sisters came to his party and I sent the invitation to his dad’s mom house and specifically said in the invitation “please pass this on so that the kids could be there because Tyler really wants them there”. T never got that message because just like me, she doesn’t deal with those fake ass people! I told T the truth and exactly what happened and let her know that I’m not and have never been that kind of person.
Luckily we were able to resolve the issue like adults. We were able to overcome the drama that Jazz caused! We exchanged numbers and I expressed to her how important it was to ME for Tyler to have a relationship with his brother. Tyler loves his siblings to death and that’s something I would NEVER take away from him. Even if I had a problem with T, which I don’t, I would put the bullshit aside because Tyler’s happiness is more important than anything. Tyler comes first in my life and that will never change!
In reference to the situation I updated my fb to say “Wow! People are so PHONY! Now I know who I can’t trust SMH I will NEVER understand why people want to cause UNNECESSARY drama!”. I don’t know if Jazz saw it but I have since deleted her from my page and I’m cutting all ties. I want nothing to do with her now. She obviously didn’t have Tyler’s best interests in mind. Just imagine if T wasn’t a woman about the situation, she could have walked up and punched me right in my face, I would have been caught off guard and I wouldn’t have know what the hell was going on! I never thought Jazz would do something like that, but I was wrong. As far as her coming to celebrate Tyler’s graduation, she can KISS MY ASS! I don’t want someone like that around me or my child. We don’t need or deserve people like that in our lives.
I’m happy that T and I were able to work it out like adults and get down to the truth and root of the problem. I have a lot of respect for T for handling the situation the way she did and despite all the bullshit, our boys WILL know each other and be able to establish a relationship with or without his father and his fake ass family!
Until next time…
Something I hate about myself…I don’t think I wanna do this part of the challenge lol. I’m sure we all hate something about ourselves. It’s always easier to focus on the negative instead of the positive. The negative is just easier to believe. The one thing I hate about myself is the fact that I’m an emotional person. More often than not, I’m more emotional than I would like to be. At times, I let things get to me that wouldn’t bother others at all. I guess that’s the difference between me and them.
This, I feel, is my biggest flaw and it’s something that I am in the process of working on. My goal is to change this part about myself. For once, I would like to just take things as they are and not be so easily bothered by things. It won’t be easy and I am a work in progress, but with faith and GOD on my side, all things are possible. So, there you have it folks! The one thing I hate about myself is that I’m too emotional.
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This is a link that was shared on fb. I thought I would pass it along!!
When I first heard of the movie “For Colored Girls” I got so excited. I had the idea of getting as many women together that I could think of to go see this movie. I had visions of group discussions and moments shared with one another that would lead to healing and growth, I guess I kind of imagined a Woman’s Empowerment Conference type of setting.
Well after I shared my idea with a few women, reality set in and I realized that so many of us wouldn’t be willing to participate for various reasons: You don’t like me, you don’t care for somebody I might invite, you only hang out with certain people, you don’t understand the big deal about Tyler Perry making yet another movie about black people and our issues for all the world to see, you don’t like crowds, so n so is too ghetto, such and such is too uppity etc… It has ALWAYS amazed me that we as black women are each others biggest critics. We are the quickest to bring each other down, find each others faults and nit pick at a sister until she has nothing left, nothing left to give and then we step over her and call her worthless. We take the prettiest women and tear them down for thinking “they are cute” but turn around and dog the average sista because “she know she should take better care of herself than that – can’t believe she got a man!” We call strong women female dogs and accuse weaker women of riding somebody else’s coat tails. We tell a big sista to put down her burger and turn around and criticize a skinny woman for not picking one up. We ride the loud mouth woman for “talking to darn much” and likewise torment the quiet woman for “Being too quiet and needing to take up for herself” Sad part is we don’t discriminate, we talk about everybody!!!
I’ve watched women dog out everybody from Oprah for catering to white people and Halle Berry for not being able to keep a man to young Willow Smith for acting to darn grown in her recent video. All of these females are successful and there is something about each one of them to be proud of but a lot of us can’t seem to see that. I have to wonder since we all share a common thread (whether we want to admit it or not) is there something about ourselves that we don’t like, what has happened to us that we cannot seem to get along. Why is that we fight amongst ourselves, backstab & steal each others men(only to find out we should have left him where we found him). We cannot seem to be unified to support and stick up for one another. Everybody seems to be out for themselves while other groups unite against us but nobody else has to bring us down because we trample on the spirits of each other daily.
Even if you live in a mini mansion, drive a luxury car, have good credit, rich handsome husband etc, this does not mean that should look down your nose at the woman with 4 kids, no husband, living in income based housing struggling to keep her lights on. We ALWAYS think the grass is greener on the other side, I had a woman who’s child father is MIA tell me that I should never complain because I receive a decent amount of child support and I laughed and let her know that I would gladly give every dime back if he would come relieve some of this overwhelming pressure of feeling inadequate as a parent. If I could get just one full night of sleep or not always be on the verge of losing my job because I’m the one that has to call off or leave work for one reason or another to accommodate my child – yeah he could DEFINITELY have his money if I could have some peace! Money alone doesn’t make you happy (not true happiness), good credit doesn’t keep you satisfied, beauty doesn’t make you any less insecure, fame doesn’t make you less vulnerable or cause you to be a good judge of character and being stuck up and mean doesn’t keep you warm at night or prevent you from being lonely.
You don’t know how the sista sitting right next to could have carefully put on her make up this morning to hide the beating from last night. The teacher you handed your child over to this morning could have sent her children off to school from a dark house with empty bellies. The teller you just got rude with at the bank could know that today is her last day on her job and have no idea how she is going to survive past next weekend. The sista at the office that appears so busy could be typing her goodbyes to all the people that she loves because she plans to blow her brains out tonight after she tucks her babies into bed. The woman you pass in the hallway could be on her way to have an abortion because she fears what others might think or how the woman that sent you this e-mail may drink an over abundance of alcohol every night to mask the nightmares of an abusive childhood.
Ladies we HAVE TO DO BETTER!!! I’m not suggesting that we all like each other and be phony, But I am asking that we all try to respect each other. You HAVE NO IDEA what the next woman is going through, you don’t know what past or current hurt and pains have shaped her into who she is today. We spend so much time trying to be as strong and hard as we are expected to be that we end up cracking from the inside out piece by piece. If we would spend 1/3 of the time we spend tearing each other down to build someone up, encourage someone, show someone some love, we could truly make a difference and save someone’s life. PLEASE don’t be the straw that breaks another woman’s back. Believe me when I tell you that there is a woman out there that needs your smile, your hug, your support, your prayer.
I hope that you read this and get something out of it other than a laugh and that you pass this on to as many women as you can to let someone know that you believe they are somebody special and that if need be you are available to listen. Nothing bad is going to happen if you don’t forward this e-mail but I’d like to think that something positive will happen if you choose to pass it along. May favor be extended to each and everyone of your lives, keep your head up and know that someone somewhere cares!!! Know that I appreciate you all and love you. Let’s share this with the ladies (young and seasoned) in our lives and love each other as GOD’s precious creation. Have a happy and safe holiday
So, I’m writing this because people have been pissing me off for the past 2 weeks or so! I’m frustrated, tired, angry and fed up with all the bullshit! For once in my life, I just want peace. I want people to leave me the fuck alone and let me be! Why is it so damn hard for people to do that? I know, it’s because people can’t mind their own fucking business. They always have something to say about things that don’t concern them. I’m just gonna make a list of things that have pissed me off and things that do piss me off. I’m at point where I just can’t take it anymore and I feel like going a DESTRUCTIVE rampage and this seems to be the only way to calm down.
1. Why is that ONLY my things seem to get misplaced?
2. If you touch MY stuff, please put it back where you got it from!
3. Don’t touch MY stuff without permission! It’s MINE!
4. It’s one thing to stand me up…but don’t stand my baby up! I don’t play those games! I refuse to let YOU or anyone else hurt his feelings. If you hurt him, it hurts me…and that is a fucking problem!
5. My son is EVERYTHING to me and I will bust a bitch upside their head for causing him any kind of hurt or pain. So PLEASE think twice before you hurt his feelings. Like Homey the Clown, I don’t play that shit!
6. You actually have the nerve to get mad that I didn’t answer my phone when you called. Are you fucking serious? Obviously it wasn’t that important, if it was you would have or should have left a message!!
7. You’re not that fucking important. I don’t NEED to answer the phone every time you call or respond to every single text you send. Get a fucking life already.
8. You must be fucking blind! You don’t look ANYTHING like my MAN so PLEASE don’t let that dumb shit escape your mouth ever again. Especially in public because I will clown your ass next time! I was nice about it this time around.
9. You know I have a MAN, yet you are still trying to get with me. Get over it! You knew I didn’t want you before I got into my relationship, so why the fuck would I want you now?! I’m HAPPY! Please move on so you can find happiness just as I did.
10. Don’t complain about what I do with MY money unless you are contributing to my finances! It’s none of your business what I do with MY money. If it bothers you that much, do something about it! Take care of ALL of my finances and then you will be able to have a say so in what I do. Until then, shut the fuck up!
11. For the people who stood us (Tyler and I) up on Halloween…fuck y’all! WORD! Thanks to my sister (who didn’t even have her own child) came with us and saved the day! Tyler was very upset cause he was all alone, but my sis saved the day! Thanks Sherayla! Or as Tyler would say, “Thank you Aunt Sherayla…you’re my friend too!”
12. We can do bad all by ourselves. If you’re not helping, you’re hurting. Think about that!
13. I’ve noticed with a few people, it’s out of sight, out of mind when it comes to Tyler. I’m not feeling that at all. So now we’re gonna be out of mind and out of sight even when we’re in sight. Kick rocks! My son doesn’t need your instability fucking with his emotional well-being now or ever!
14. We haven’t slept together since OUR child (now 4) was 6 weeks old. I haven’t ever tried to or given you a reason to think I wanted to. You don’t do ANYTHING for OUR son! You don’t even spend time with him. For some reason you think that I’m going to give you some cooh…negro PLEASE!! I told you 4 1/2 years ago that you would NEVER get this again and I MEANT it! And please believe me when I say that my man has absolutely NO reason to worry! Instead of trying to get in my jeans, you NEED to focus on spending time with OUR son! Until then, kick rocks!
15. I have said this before and I’m going to say it again. Please DON’T speak on things you know nothing about. You look like an ASS for doing so.
I’m done venting for now!
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Lately I had been hearing a lot of talk about an upcoming film ‘For Colored Girls’, adapted from the 1975 stage play For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf. Some of the feedback about the movie was bad and some was good. The bad feedback was almost always about Tyler Perry. I do and I don’t understand. I think Tyler Perry does a great job at what he does. I think he portrays ‘us’ in a good way, something you don’t see that often. All the ‘black’ movies are based on a bunch of bad stuff. His movies don’t show us having ‘the great life’, but they do show the struggle and overcoming it! What’s wrong with that? He had covered many issues in our community! People are more concerned about the Madea character. Let’s be real, OLDER black women were (and some still are) like that! My great-grandmother was like that! She didn’t have a gun, but I’m sure if she did, the bitch would be just as crazy lol! Get over it people! Stop focusing on the dumb shit and focus on the positive, the things that matter, the issues he focuses on in the movies!
Anyways, I watched the trailer for the movie and I was in complete awe! I’m dying to see this movie! How could you not want to see it? Especially knowing the back story of the stage play, adapted to a book, television movie and now screenplay! And Four Women by Nina Simone, absolutely POWERFUL! I’m sold! I plan on finding the stage play and watching it, reading the book, watching the television movie and I’m DEFINITELY going to see the movie!
Have you watched the trailer? What are your thoughts? Do you know anything about it?
Here is the song from the trailer!