It doesn’t matter how many times you explain things. People hear what they want to hear, if they’re listening at all.
This is frustrating. Especially when said person makes you feel like shit, makes you feel like an asshole. This is how I feel right now. I feel like shit.
I am so scarred and damaged from my RECENT past that I may have hurt someone I really enjoyed. Someone that I like. It’s tough. It’s hard for me to let someone in when the last person took my heart and broke it into millions of tiny little pieces. Hurting someone is something that I never wanted to do. I would never want anyone to feel the hurt and pain that I’ve felt and still feel sometimes.
I just wish people really understood where I am right now. All I can do is leave it in HIS hands.
That is all
Without even realizing the next day would be his birthday, last night I posted a quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.
This quote gives me life! I say this because in the past year, I have been tested many times. In each situation, I chose not to hate the person then and I don’t hate them now. I have no ill feelings toward them. I am now a firm believer of ‘People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.’ With each experience I can determine what that person’s purpose is/was in my life. It’s so much easier that way. LOL!
As far as the quote, hate is too great a burden to bear. Sometimes you have to stop and ask yourself, is this really worth it? I’ve noticed since I have learned to let go of hate, life is way less stressful. You should try it. You will become a better you!
He’s no longer here, but everyday he still makes a difference in someone’s life! Happy Birthday Dr. King!
Single until Married.
This has been on my mind for quite some time now. Around the same time that my relationship was ending, I began conversing with a guy I had met. I asked if he was single and he responded, “I’m single until I’m married”. That made me raise an eyebrow. I had never looked at in that way. I always looked at as you’re not single if you’re in a relationship with someone.
So I asked my fb and twitter friends if they agreed with that statement. To my surprise, everyone who answered agreed with it. LOL! They all said that you’re single until married because relationships aren’t recognized. There’s no option for “in a relationship” when they ask for your marital status. In that way, you are considered single until married. If you’re in a relationship, you’re not single. Aren’t you committed in a relationship? Does that count for anything?
I guess I kind of feel like that’s just an excuse for people to continue to act a fool. Especially men! For example, the guy that sparked this post actually came clean. After 2 months of getting to know him, again I asked “are you single?”. He responded “It’s complicated.She lives in another state.” WTF! Why wasn’t that said from the very beginning? It’s not like the question changed. I asked the exact same question, yet I got 2 different answers. Why?
*cues Chief Keef ‘I Don’t Like’*
And then the married men. Girrrrrrrl (or boy) they are special. I don’t understand. Why get married if you’re not going to be faithful to your wife. Why are you messaging the next woman on a daily basis? Where is your wife? How can you possibly have the time to do all these things? I feel bad for these women because a lot of them have no idea what he’s doing. It almost makes me not want to get married. Almost. I just hope that one day I will be lucky enough to have a husband will be faithful to me.
One last thing. Why are men who are involved so intrigued by single women?
What are your thoughts?
anger, best friends, blogging, emotions, family, feelings, friendships, happiness, hurt, laughs, life, life experiences, love, men, people, personal, random, random thoughts, ranting, relationships, thoughts
Before I pulled out my laptop, I thought long and hard about what I would write. Suddenly it hit me. It’s 2013, reflecting on 2012 seems appropriate.
I spent the last 5 years (almost 6) of my life being in love with a man who was not in love with me. I spent the last 5 years of my life never being happy in that aspect of life because he did not love me. I don’t know what got me over and through it but I think I just woke up one day. I thought about everything he and I had been through. I noticed that in our time together, I did everthing. I was the caterer. I always came to him, he didn’t have to come to me. There were nights that I would put my kid to sleep and go spend the night with him because I had a live-in babysitter. I thought that was okay because I always made it home before my kid woke up. SMH what the hell was I thinking? Now that I look back, that is the dumbest shit ever!
I started noticing that he wasn’t contacting me. If we had any contact, I was the one contacting him first. He rarely contacted me first. There were times where we would go days without speaking. There were times that I would contact him and he wouldn’t respond until the next day or late that night. One day I just said “fuck this shit!”. I stopped contacting him. I didn’t always respond to him, if I did, it was late that night or the next day. I began doing to him what he had been doing to me. That became draining. In October, I decided that I would not contact him at all. The last time we spoke, which was via text, was October 6, 2012. The next time I heard from him was December 3, 2012. It was my birthday. He sent a text… “happy birthday”. That was it. I have not heard from him since.
In every way possible, it’s over for me. I’ve moved on. I don’t entirely hate him for everything that happened. People only do what you allow them to, and I allowed him to treat me in a disgusting way. I’m thankful for him being a season in my life because he forced me to look at myself. I now know what I don’t want and what I do want. No looking back, only forward. I’m happy again! It doesn’t get any better than that!
After being on unemployment for the full 100 weeks (lol) I had to start my job search. If you’ve ever been in need of a job, you know how depressing it can be when you can’t find one. Finally, after 2 months of searching, I decided to go to a temp agency that I worked for in the past. Luckily they had something that was starting that next month. I began my job for the temp agency on August 1, 2012. I was not happy with the job as I hate telephone jobs. I kept searching. Mid August, I was contacted for an interview. I was offered the job, I accepted and began work on September 7, 2012. It was another telephone job. I hated that too! November 2012, I get a letter in the mail for an interview for a job that I took a test for almost a year before. I interviewed for that job in December 2012. I began working at that job February 27, 2012. I actually love my job now. I work for the local welfare/social service agency in my area. I’m happy. I have health insurance, vacation and sick time, pension benefits, a union and most importantly, I have peace of mind! No real complaints here!
What can I say, we get better every day! Most of them haven’t changed. So I keep it moving. I have established great relationships with my mom and brother and that’s the most important to me. Everyone has to get in where they can fit in!
I received an unexpected message from an old friend. She was actually my best friend. We’ve had tons of ups and downs. I’ve even posted about her on here before. So some of you may be familiar with the story. She basically said she missed me and she did some growing up and left her number for me to contact her if I wanted to. I thought about it and I did contact her. We are going to mend our friendship but it will take time. So right now I’m handling her with a long handled spoon adn we have only talked on the phone once, mainly through text. Maybe one day we will actually hang out.
I went to the doctor in July and he basically said “Bitch, you’re fat!” I joined the gym. I went for a month straight, and then got into a car accident. My back is really jacked up from the accident. I haven’t been to the gym since the accident. I miss the gym. I’m starting back this weekend. I need to continue this journey. I’ve already lost a total of 29 pounds since September. I would like to lose another 20. Pain is pleasure!
That’s all I have for now. I missed writing. It’s my release. My therapy. I will be here every week, at least once a week. Hope you will be here with me.
The other day I was on twitter and a handful of people I follow all seemed to be talking about the same thing. A guy who was REALLY emotional about something that happened with him and a woman. I’m nosey (lol) so I took a peek at the guy’s timeline. It was very obvious that he was extremely hurt by whatever happened between him and this woman. He was tweeting that he had been crying, how hurt he was, and so on.
For some odd reason, these handful of people I follow all thought it was funny that this man was tweeting things like this. They teased this man like no other, telling him things like he should go kill himself, he’s acting like a woman, he’s psycho, insane, crazy and blah blah blah. Some of them even said that twitter is not the place for him to vent these kinds of feelings. I was seriously bothered by this!
Who are they to tell this man where he should and should not vent his feelings? We can all agree that sometimes we feel like certain things should be left off of social networking sites. But let’s be REAL here. Not everyone has someone who they can physically go and talk to about their problems, some of us do but not all us. For some, social networking is the only way to vent their feelings. If you feel like twitter isn’t the place, why tease this man because of how he feels? That’s really childish.
Especially because a few of the people who teased him have been in their feelings on twitter on more than one occasion. One in particular is always in her feelings about a damn radio show and arguing with other people on twitter about it or constantly complaining how people are subtweeting and calling her fat. I don’t remember pointing a finger and laughing at her and telling her to go kill herself. Just the week before this man’s emotional rant, one of the other people who teased him was tweeting how she didn’t find out her child’s father’s real name until AFTER she had the baby and how she was hurt by it and how she had recently found out her (the teaser) own father had all these kids that she didn’t know about and how sad she was. I don’t remember anyone pointing a finger and laughing at her either. That’s emotional, is it not?
How you can condemn someone for being emotional on a social networking when you have been guilty of it yourself? The pot calling the kettle black right? I think so. These are all adults with children who decided to gang up on this man and tease him about his feelings. I’m disgusted by it. I have made a joke or two about people? Of course I have, we’re all guilty of that. But never have I condemned someone for the way they are feeling and tweeted them things like ‘go kill yourself’. What kind of bullshit is that? You’re an adult and should act like one.
God forbid, when their kid gets older and someone does the same exact thing to him, I guarantee you they wouldn’t want someone to tell their child to go kill themselves. I guess what I’m trying to say is that people need to mind their fucking business, social networking site or not! Who are you to judge him and say that he’s less of a man because he had an emotional rant?! He’s a HUMAN just like the rest of us and men have feelings just like women! Some are open about theirs while others are not!
I’m so disgusted by these people and the way they acted. Karma is the biggest BITCH I know and I’m sure she’s coming back around for their asses.
You don’t have to agree with someone does on social networking site, but you don’t have to judge, tease or bully them because of it. It’s childish..PERIOD! People need to grow up and stop trying to fit into twitter cliques and realize that we are all HUMANS with FEELINGS and not everyone has the same resources as you to express their feelings!
If you’ve been following my blog or any of my social networking sites, then you know the story about my son and his father and his father’s family.
I developed a relationship with my son’s cousins mother (she has a baby by his dad’s brother). Jazz is a few years younger than me but we grew up in the same neighborhood. She was the only one from that side of Tyler’s dad’s family that seemed to care about anything concerning Tyler. She was one of th guests at Tyler’s birthday party in March. As you all know, Tyler is graduating pre-k this month and I invited to Jazz to come out to eat with us after the graduation.
Back in February, I got in contact with Tyler’s dad via phone and he told me “I can’t be there for Tyler or really talk to him like that because T be acting all crazy”. T is his ex-girlfriend/mother of his youngest son, who is 6 months younger than Tyler. After that, he cut his phone off and I no longer had contact with him. I spoke with Jazz about it and expressed my feelings to her. Since I couldn’t get in contact with him, I asked Jazz to tell him “fuck you and you never have to worry about me contacting you again. And don’t be concerned with anything Tyler is doing since you can’t be there or talk to him because of T”. Of course Jazz delivers the message and that’s when he called to try to curse me out. To get the full details on that, read What Just Happened?. Jazz then told me that he told T about it and T relayed to Jazz that she would confront me about it. This all happened in February.
Yesterday my niece had a softball game (she plays on an all-stars team) and of course Tyler and I were in attendance. T’s niece plays on the same team and she was in attendance also. She approached me and asked if she could talk to me for a minute. I said yes and we walked away from the field so we could talk. The first thing out of her mouth is “Jazz told me that you didn’t invite Deshaun (Tyler’s little brother) to Tyler’s birthday party because you don’t like me and you didn’t want us there. She also said that you’re telling people that I’m the reason Rasheen (Tyler’s father) doesn’t take care of Tyler and that you had been talking shit about me.” She then expressed that she isn’t the reason and she had nothing to do with that, and she also told me that her and I are in the same boat as far as him taking care of his children. He’s not there for Deshaun just like he isn’t there for Tyler. Just like Tyler doesn’t see that side of the family, neither does Deshaun.
I’m PISSED! I NEVER blamed T for Rasheen not being there for Tyler. That is completely Rasheen’s fault. He is the one who chose not to be there for him. Even if T was in his ear saying not to be there for Tyler, it would STILL be Rasheen’s fault because people make their own decisions no matter what anyone else has to say. I’m not the kind of woman who would blame her. I’m better than that and not once did I ever talk shit about T to Jazz, nor did I not invite Deshaun to Tyler’s party. It was important Tyler that his brother and sisters came to his party and I sent the invitation to his dad’s mom house and specifically said in the invitation “please pass this on so that the kids could be there because Tyler really wants them there”. T never got that message because just like me, she doesn’t deal with those fake ass people! I told T the truth and exactly what happened and let her know that I’m not and have never been that kind of person.
Luckily we were able to resolve the issue like adults. We were able to overcome the drama that Jazz caused! We exchanged numbers and I expressed to her how important it was to ME for Tyler to have a relationship with his brother. Tyler loves his siblings to death and that’s something I would NEVER take away from him. Even if I had a problem with T, which I don’t, I would put the bullshit aside because Tyler’s happiness is more important than anything. Tyler comes first in my life and that will never change!
In reference to the situation I updated my fb to say “Wow! People are so PHONY! Now I know who I can’t trust SMH I will NEVER understand why people want to cause UNNECESSARY drama!”. I don’t know if Jazz saw it but I have since deleted her from my page and I’m cutting all ties. I want nothing to do with her now. She obviously didn’t have Tyler’s best interests in mind. Just imagine if T wasn’t a woman about the situation, she could have walked up and punched me right in my face, I would have been caught off guard and I wouldn’t have know what the hell was going on! I never thought Jazz would do something like that, but I was wrong. As far as her coming to celebrate Tyler’s graduation, she can KISS MY ASS! I don’t want someone like that around me or my child. We don’t need or deserve people like that in our lives.
I’m happy that T and I were able to work it out like adults and get down to the truth and root of the problem. I have a lot of respect for T for handling the situation the way she did and despite all the bullshit, our boys WILL know each other and be able to establish a relationship with or without his father and his fake ass family!
Until next time…
Sitting in my room staring at the walls (I know it sounds crazy lol) and I just started thinking about some things.
What is love? How do you define love? Are you now or have you ever been in love?
I believe I have…well I think I am now. I’m pretty sure I am. In fact, I’ve been in love with the same person for the last 5 years. He means everything to me and I honestly don’t know how I would handle things if we were no longer together. I think about him all the time. He’s on my mind when I wake up and when I fall asleep. I sometimes dream about him. I think about him all day long. I’m wondering what he’s doing, how his day went and how he’s feeling. If things are bad for him, I want to do whatever I can to make them better. I love this man and I’m in love with this man. I have been in love with him for 5 years now.
The problem is that I don’t think he loves me or is in love with me and let me tell you, it is NOT a good feeling at all! He has NEVER expressed his feelings toward me. Never. I don’t understand! How can you spend 5 years of your life with someone and never tell them how you feel? Even if you didn’t love that person, or felt like they’d be hurt, how can a person go 5 years and never express their feelings? How? It’s mind boggling to me, extremely fucking mind boggling!
I thought that maybe he just might be having difficulties expressing his feelings to me so I asked him to write me a letter telling me how he felt. He agreed and I said I would write one too.He said he had to pack for Canada (leaves 5/20) and it wouldn’t be anytime soon, so I suggested that we could give one another the letters on June 1st.
His exact response was “Wtf man, that is not gonna be a top priority right now”. I didn’t respond. I cried. I cried hard. It’s been 5 years and you’ve never ever told me how you felt about me, why isn’t this a priority? Why am I not a priority? It may seem obvious to some as far as what I should do, but its not to me. I have no idea what to do or how I should feel about any of this. All I know is that it HURTS and my heart is HEAVY!
So, umm…yeah I’m back on this Facebook shit!
In the past, people have always criticized me for saying how I feel via status updates. Why are you being emotional? Why are you putting your business out there? Wtf! Haven’t we all at one point in time used our social networks to be emotional? I know I have lol. I also realize that this may seem a little contradicting if you’ve read my latest post. But it really isn’t at all. That’s s different situation all together lol.
Today, a friend updated their status saying “I wish people would wear signs with real and fake on them instead of finding out when some bs happens”. Oh and let it be known that they NEVER have updates like this…NEVER! Now, I’ve know them for almost 5 years and we are VERY close. So I sent this person a text message, “hey, what’s wrong? everything ok?”
Immediately, the response is “wtf nothing is wrong. didn’t know I needed to explain myself every time I updated”. Now I’m pissed because there was absolutely no reason to respond like that, especially since said person is ALWAYS questioning me about my status updates!
So, it’s okay for them to constantly question me about my status but never shall I do the same when it comes to them. PLEASE!! That’s a double standard! Lead by example! Do unto others as you want done unto you! Need I say more? I think not! But I will lmao!
I’m just sick of people and these ridiculous, home grown, dumb ass double standards! So, for future reference, please miss me with the bullshit! Thank you 😉
P.S. I’ll just mind my damn business from now on lol