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a-smith-reflections-of-a-queen

Before I pulled out my laptop, I thought long and hard about what I would write. Suddenly it hit me. It’s 2013, reflecting on 2012 seems appropriate.

LOVE.

I spent the last 5 years (almost 6) of my life being in love with a man who was not in love with me. I spent the last 5 years of my life never being happy in that aspect of life because he did not love me. I don’t know what got me over and through it but I think I just woke up one day. I thought about everything he and I had been through. I noticed that in our time together, I did everthing. I was the caterer. I always came to him, he didn’t have to come to me. There were nights that I would put my kid to sleep and go spend the night with him because I had a live-in babysitter. I thought that was okay because I always made it home before my kid woke up. SMH what the hell was I thinking? Now that I look back, that is the dumbest shit ever!

I started noticing that he wasn’t contacting me. If we had any contact, I was the one contacting him first. He rarely contacted me first. There were times where we would go days without speaking. There were times that I would contact him and he wouldn’t respond until the next day or late that night. One day I just said “fuck this shit!”. I stopped contacting him. I didn’t always respond to him, if I did, it was late that night or the next day. I began doing to him what he had been doing to me. That became draining. In October, I decided that I would not contact him at all. The last time we spoke, which was via text, was October 6, 2012. The next time I heard from him was December 3, 2012. It was my birthday. He sent a text… “happy birthday”. That was it. I have not heard from him since.

In every way possible, it’s over for me. I’ve moved on. I don’t entirely hate him for everything that happened. People only do what you allow them to, and I allowed him to treat me in a disgusting way. I’m thankful for him being a season in my life because he forced me to look at myself. I now know what I don’t want and what I do want. No looking back, only forward. I’m happy again! It doesn’t get any better than that!

Work.

After being on unemployment for the full 100 weeks (lol) I had to start my job search. If you’ve ever been in need of a job, you know how depressing it can be when you can’t find one. Finally, after 2 months of searching, I decided to go to a temp agency that I worked for in the past. Luckily they had something that was starting that next month. I began my job for the temp agency on August 1, 2012. I was not happy with the job as I hate telephone jobs. I kept searching. Mid August, I was contacted for an interview. I was offered the job, I accepted and began work on September 7, 2012. It was another telephone job. I hated that too! November 2012, I get a letter in the mail for an interview for a job that I took a test for almost a year before. I interviewed for that job in December 2012. I began working at that job February 27, 2012. I actually love my job now. I work for the local welfare/social service agency in my area. I’m happy. I have health insurance, vacation and sick time, pension benefits, a union and most importantly, I have peace of mind! No real complaints here!

Family.

What can I say, we get better every day! Most of them haven’t changed. So I keep it moving. I have established great relationships with my mom and brother and that’s the most important to me. Everyone has to get in where they can fit in!

Friends.

I received an unexpected message from an old friend. She was actually my best friend. We’ve had tons of ups and downs. I’ve even posted about her on here before. So some of you may be familiar with the story. She basically said she missed me and she did some growing up and left her number for me to contact her if I wanted to. I thought about it and I did contact her. We are going to mend our friendship but it will take time. So right now I’m handling her with a long handled spoon adn we have only talked on the phone once, mainly through text. Maybe one day we will actually hang out.

Weightloss.

I went to the doctor in July and he basically said “Bitch, you’re fat!” I joined the gym. I went for a month straight, and then got into a car accident. My back is really jacked up from the accident. I haven’t been to the gym since the accident. I miss the gym. I’m starting back this weekend. I need to continue this journey. I’ve already lost a total of 29 pounds since September. I would like to lose another 20. Pain is pleasure!

That’s all I have for now. I missed writing. It’s my release. My therapy. I will be here every week, at least once a week. Hope you will be here with me.

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