Sitting in my room staring at the walls (I know it sounds crazy lol) and I just started thinking about some things.
What is love? How do you define love? Are you now or have you ever been in love?
I believe I have…well I think I am now. I’m pretty sure I am. In fact, I’ve been in love with the same person for the last 5 years. He means everything to me and I honestly don’t know how I would handle things if we were no longer together. I think about him all the time. He’s on my mind when I wake up and when I fall asleep. I sometimes dream about him. I think about him all day long. I’m wondering what he’s doing, how his day went and how he’s feeling. If things are bad for him, I want to do whatever I can to make them better. I love this man and I’m in love with this man. I have been in love with him for 5 years now.
The problem is that I don’t think he loves me or is in love with me and let me tell you, it is NOT a good feeling at all! He has NEVER expressed his feelings toward me. Never. I don’t understand! How can you spend 5 years of your life with someone and never tell them how you feel? Even if you didn’t love that person, or felt like they’d be hurt, how can a person go 5 years and never express their feelings? How? It’s mind boggling to me, extremely fucking mind boggling!
I thought that maybe he just might be having difficulties expressing his feelings to me so I asked him to write me a letter telling me how he felt. He agreed and I said I would write one too.He said he had to pack for Canada (leaves 5/20) and it wouldn’t be anytime soon, so I suggested that we could give one another the letters on June 1st.
His exact response was “Wtf man, that is not gonna be a top priority right now”. I didn’t respond. I cried. I cried hard. It’s been 5 years and you’ve never ever told me how you felt about me, why isn’t this a priority? Why am I not a priority? It may seem obvious to some as far as what I should do, but its not to me. I have no idea what to do or how I should feel about any of this. All I know is that it HURTS and my heart is HEAVY!